Did you see me there?
Michael did. He was one of the first people I recognized.
I was there to talk to Kha.
About (funnily enough) my doubts.
I say funnily enough because that was the subject of d groups for us last night.
DOUBTS.
He didn't really tell me anything that i didn't already know, but he did ask me something.
He asked me the basic question they ask everyone when they're baptizing them:
Do you believe that Jesus was real and that he died for you and washed away all your sins? (or basically that)
And I think the answer right now is no.
Or at least, not entirely
So I've got a lot to change.
Wish me luck?
I wanted to say hi to you, to give you a hug, and pray for you, but I left pretty much right after we were done because I had to get home, and I didn't see you around.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I wonder
I wonder how much you freaked out when you knocked on my door this morning and found out I wasn't in my bed.
I guess next time you shouldn't let your husband talk so much shit.
I guess next time you shouldn't take his bullshit.
I guess next time you should stand the hell up for yourself.
I guess next time you shouldn't give me so much crap about going to bed at 10 when you know I won't sleep anyway.
I guess next time he shouldn't freak out just because I slam my door.
fuck him, he's not my dad, he's not in any fucking way responsible for me,
so he can back the fuck off and stop calling me a coward for not letting him hit me,
he's the fucking coward for picking a fight with a 17 year old boy.
I guess next time you shouldn't let your husband talk so much shit.
I guess next time you shouldn't take his bullshit.
I guess next time you should stand the hell up for yourself.
I guess next time you shouldn't give me so much crap about going to bed at 10 when you know I won't sleep anyway.
I guess next time he shouldn't freak out just because I slam my door.
fuck him, he's not my dad, he's not in any fucking way responsible for me,
so he can back the fuck off and stop calling me a coward for not letting him hit me,
he's the fucking coward for picking a fight with a 17 year old boy.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Outside looking in
From the outside looking in, I see how angry I am.
From the outside looking in I scare myself.
From the outside looking in, I see how ugly I am.
From the outside looking in, I know why you don't love me.
From the outside looking in, I see I now know what I have to do.
You might see me.
But don't worry, I won't bother you.
I need something from someone there.
And I need it fast.
You, Cory, Keaton, no one has been able to give this to me.
I would just like to say that I have a couple people to thank if this works out.
Look at the post after this if it works out and you may figure out how it goes.
From the outside looking in I scare myself.
From the outside looking in, I see how ugly I am.
From the outside looking in, I know why you don't love me.
From the outside looking in, I see I now know what I have to do.
You might see me.
But don't worry, I won't bother you.
I need something from someone there.
And I need it fast.
You, Cory, Keaton, no one has been able to give this to me.
I would just like to say that I have a couple people to thank if this works out.
Look at the post after this if it works out and you may figure out how it goes.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Hmm.
I think I've realized you don't read this anymore...
So, I guess I can say whatever I want, right?
I'm sick of you not caring :/ I get that enough everywhere else.
Please just show that you care that I'm alive.
message me, or talk to me or something.
I cut my hair.
It was a really bad day Friday, so I didn't care, and I told my mom to cut it.
You wouldn't notice if I was alive or dead, so I'll let you wonder.
Maybe you'll mke an effort to contact me.
I doubt it.
I hope he makes you happy.
I hope he's the right one, and not just some other guy playing with your emotions.
I hope you treat him right.
I hope he treats you right.
I hope you don't regret him like you regret me.
I hope you love him.
I hope you care about how he feels.
I hope you don't just stop caring.
I hope you fucking take the damn time to show him how much he fucking means to you. If he means anything at all.
I hope I grow up, stop looking at porn, and become exactly what you want me to be.
But even then you'd love some other guy more.
And not give a shit about me.
I love you.
I'll always reply to your messages or posts (if you write about me, and I know) and I'll talk to you if you call.
So, I guess I can say whatever I want, right?
I'm sick of you not caring :/ I get that enough everywhere else.
Please just show that you care that I'm alive.
message me, or talk to me or something.
I cut my hair.
It was a really bad day Friday, so I didn't care, and I told my mom to cut it.
You wouldn't notice if I was alive or dead, so I'll let you wonder.
Maybe you'll mke an effort to contact me.
I doubt it.
I hope he makes you happy.
I hope he's the right one, and not just some other guy playing with your emotions.
I hope you treat him right.
I hope he treats you right.
I hope you don't regret him like you regret me.
I hope you love him.
I hope you care about how he feels.
I hope you don't just stop caring.
I hope you fucking take the damn time to show him how much he fucking means to you. If he means anything at all.
I hope I grow up, stop looking at porn, and become exactly what you want me to be.
But even then you'd love some other guy more.
And not give a shit about me.
I love you.
I'll always reply to your messages or posts (if you write about me, and I know) and I'll talk to you if you call.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
You don't care.
but here it is. the second verse reminded me of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP03ysPvfvc&feature=youtube_gdata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP03ysPvfvc&feature=youtube_gdata
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Truth is.....
I wish you'd talk to me :/
I really do....
please....
I'm sorry for my issues....
I need someone though....
someone to talk to...
I really do....
please....
I'm sorry for my issues....
I need someone though....
someone to talk to...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Can You Hear Me Now?
Funny, I was reading the last post I wrote, and Hollywood Undead's song "Hear Me Now" began to make more sense to me.
I'll show you what I mean
(The following lyrics belong to Hollywood Undead, I don't own any part of them)
all of my writing is in the () in between the lines
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I wear my crown of thorns and pull the knife out my chest.
(This part fits me because I've been going to church for so long, it's made me lukewarm; complacent. I want that fire back, but it's like it's just ebbing away, like blood seeping from a knife wound, and I'm desperately trying to suck it back up)
I keep searching for something that I never seem to find.
But maybe I won't, because I left it all behind.
(maybe my sins are still coming between God and I. I want to quit, it's so hard, and I hate everytime it happens, but I can't stop :'()
Now I'm stuck with this, and that'll never change
Always a part of me, until the very last day.
(I'm stuck in my depression, and nothing helps permanently, and I'm afraid it's going to kill me.)
Where to go from here? What road to travel on?
I spent my whole life choosing, and I always chose wrong.
(What do I do now? Everything I've tried up to this point has led to failure.)
Will I try to have the will to be alive?
(I'm too afraid to kill myself, or I'd already be gone.)
Will I die because I've never seen the light?
(Am I saved? I'm begging that I am.)
Blow it to the ground and it's now you see,
You spent your whole life taking the best of me.
(The porn industry has taken so much from me in general. Because if it hadn't been there for me to look at, I'd have so many less problems... and maybe Savannah would love me :'()
Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
(I can't stand being at home anymore, and now it's getting worse because4 I don't want to be at my church. and no one's ever here for me anymore)
Can you hear me now?
(I want to be heard)
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
(It hurts to breathe sometimes when I think about certain things that depress me)
Can you hear me now? Hear me now
How low can I keep pretending to be?
That all the stars in the sky could mean something to me.
(I don't know what's important to me anymore)
Heaven will open up if I live on my knees.
A man of many words, but of few deeds.
(I say I love God, I say I want to follow him, I say I want to quit this addiction, but I haven't followed through yet)
Walking these streets, so absent of hope.
A pillow of concrete, a man with no home.
(I've gone on bike rides just to get out of my house and I sleep on my grandma's floor a lot... because it's safer than being home)
Lend him a hand, then we're walking the way.
Leave the virtue of pity, but we live with the shame.
(people offer help, and when it comes time to follow through for me, I look around and see no one)
So scared to dream in a world with no sunlight.
When you wake up, you know it's darker than last night.
(everyday gets worse.)
Quickly we forget, sacrifice gone by.
Born to walk away, been walking my whole life.
(I need to remember that He died for me, and get rid of my doubts, and I need to run to Him, not walk away :/)
Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now
Look into my eyes and I see
What do I see? Nothing at all
(I hate who I've become)
Take another look around me
What do I see? Nothing at all
Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now
Can you hear me? Hear me now
I'll show you what I mean
(The following lyrics belong to Hollywood Undead, I don't own any part of them)
all of my writing is in the () in between the lines
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I wear my crown of thorns and pull the knife out my chest.
(This part fits me because I've been going to church for so long, it's made me lukewarm; complacent. I want that fire back, but it's like it's just ebbing away, like blood seeping from a knife wound, and I'm desperately trying to suck it back up)
I keep searching for something that I never seem to find.
But maybe I won't, because I left it all behind.
(maybe my sins are still coming between God and I. I want to quit, it's so hard, and I hate everytime it happens, but I can't stop :'()
Now I'm stuck with this, and that'll never change
Always a part of me, until the very last day.
(I'm stuck in my depression, and nothing helps permanently, and I'm afraid it's going to kill me.)
Where to go from here? What road to travel on?
I spent my whole life choosing, and I always chose wrong.
(What do I do now? Everything I've tried up to this point has led to failure.)
Will I try to have the will to be alive?
(I'm too afraid to kill myself, or I'd already be gone.)
Will I die because I've never seen the light?
(Am I saved? I'm begging that I am.)
Blow it to the ground and it's now you see,
You spent your whole life taking the best of me.
(The porn industry has taken so much from me in general. Because if it hadn't been there for me to look at, I'd have so many less problems... and maybe Savannah would love me :'()
Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
(I can't stand being at home anymore, and now it's getting worse because4 I don't want to be at my church. and no one's ever here for me anymore)
Can you hear me now?
(I want to be heard)
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
(It hurts to breathe sometimes when I think about certain things that depress me)
Can you hear me now? Hear me now
How low can I keep pretending to be?
That all the stars in the sky could mean something to me.
(I don't know what's important to me anymore)
Heaven will open up if I live on my knees.
A man of many words, but of few deeds.
(I say I love God, I say I want to follow him, I say I want to quit this addiction, but I haven't followed through yet)
Walking these streets, so absent of hope.
A pillow of concrete, a man with no home.
(I've gone on bike rides just to get out of my house and I sleep on my grandma's floor a lot... because it's safer than being home)
Lend him a hand, then we're walking the way.
Leave the virtue of pity, but we live with the shame.
(people offer help, and when it comes time to follow through for me, I look around and see no one)
So scared to dream in a world with no sunlight.
When you wake up, you know it's darker than last night.
(everyday gets worse.)
Quickly we forget, sacrifice gone by.
Born to walk away, been walking my whole life.
(I need to remember that He died for me, and get rid of my doubts, and I need to run to Him, not walk away :/)
Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now
Look into my eyes and I see
What do I see? Nothing at all
(I hate who I've become)
Take another look around me
What do I see? Nothing at all
Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now
Can you hear me? Hear me now
Sunday, March 6, 2011
One of those times
You remember when you told me to be a man and suck it up?
And I explained to you that I was depressed and I needed someone to talk to?
This is (insert title here)
I wish you understood that the reason us MEN, as you generalize me as, GENERALLY suffer from depression our whole lives.
So telling someone to be a man and suck it up is basically like telling them to join the general population of men who bottle all their emotions up inside and are killed from their depression because they "sucked it up"
It's really damn sad that I only have two people's numbers memorized right now that I call.
Because neither of those people has the time for me.
This is (insert title here) that I wish I was brave enough to just end it.
This is one of those times when I am sucking it up, and it physically is weighing down upon my chest, and I'm struggling to breathe.
This is one of those times when I don't know if I'm saved.
When I don't know if I'm going to heaven.
And I explained to you that I was depressed and I needed someone to talk to?
This is (insert title here)
I wish you understood that the reason us MEN, as you generalize me as, GENERALLY suffer from depression our whole lives.
So telling someone to be a man and suck it up is basically like telling them to join the general population of men who bottle all their emotions up inside and are killed from their depression because they "sucked it up"
It's really damn sad that I only have two people's numbers memorized right now that I call.
Because neither of those people has the time for me.
This is (insert title here) that I wish I was brave enough to just end it.
This is one of those times when I am sucking it up, and it physically is weighing down upon my chest, and I'm struggling to breathe.
This is one of those times when I don't know if I'm saved.
When I don't know if I'm going to heaven.
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