About the other post

Did you see me there?
Michael did. He was one of the first people I recognized.
I was there to talk to Kha.
About (funnily enough) my doubts.
I say funnily enough because that was the subject of d groups for us last night.
DOUBTS.
He didn't really tell me anything that i didn't already know, but he did ask me something.
He asked me the basic question they ask everyone when they're baptizing them:
Do you believe that Jesus was real and that he died for you and washed away all your sins? (or basically that)
And I think the answer right now is no.
Or at least, not entirely
So I've got a lot to change.
Wish me luck?
I wanted to say hi to you, to give you a hug, and pray for you, but I left pretty much right after we were done because I had to get home, and I didn't see you around.

I wonder

I wonder how much you freaked out when you knocked on my door this morning and found out I wasn't in my bed.
I guess next time you shouldn't let your husband talk so much shit.
I guess next time you shouldn't take his bullshit.
I guess next time you should stand the hell up for yourself.
I guess next time you shouldn't give me so much crap about going to bed at 10 when you know I won't sleep anyway.
I guess next time he shouldn't freak out just because I slam my door.
fuck him, he's not my dad, he's not in any fucking way responsible for me,
so he can back the fuck off and stop calling me a coward for not letting him hit me,
he's the fucking coward for picking a fight with a 17 year old boy.

Outside looking in

From the outside looking in, I see how angry I am.
From the outside looking in I scare myself.
From the outside looking in, I see how ugly I am.
From the outside looking in, I know why you don't love me.
From the outside looking in, I see I now know what I have to do.
You might see me.
But don't worry, I won't bother you.
I need something from someone there.
And I need it fast.
You, Cory, Keaton, no one has been able to give this to me.
I would just like to say that I have a couple people to thank if this works out.
Look at the post after this if it works out and you may figure out how it goes.

Hmm.

I think I've realized you don't read this anymore...
So, I guess I can say whatever I want, right?
I'm sick of you not caring :/ I get that enough everywhere else.
Please just show that you care that I'm alive.
message me, or talk to me or something.
I cut my hair.
It was a really bad day Friday, so I didn't care, and I told my mom to cut it.
You wouldn't notice if I was alive or dead, so I'll let you wonder.
Maybe you'll mke an effort to contact me.
I doubt it.
I hope he makes you happy.
I hope he's the right one, and not just some other guy playing with your emotions.
I hope you treat him right.
I hope he treats you right.
I hope you don't regret him like you regret me.
I hope you love him.
I hope you care about how he feels.
I hope you don't just stop caring.
I hope you fucking take the damn time to show him how much he fucking means to you. If he means anything at all.
I hope I grow up, stop looking at porn, and become exactly what you want me to be.
But even then you'd love some other guy more.
And not give a shit about me.
I love you.
I'll always reply to your messages or posts (if you write about me, and I know) and I'll talk to you if you call.

You don't care.

but here it is. the second verse reminded me of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP03ysPvfvc&feature=youtube_gdata

Truth is.....

I wish you'd talk to me :/
I really do....
please....
I'm sorry for my issues....
I need someone though....
someone to talk to...

Can You Hear Me Now?

Funny, I was reading the last post I wrote, and Hollywood Undead's song "Hear Me Now" began to make more sense to me.
I'll show you what I mean
(The following lyrics belong to Hollywood Undead, I don't own any part of them)
all of my writing is in the () in between the lines

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I wear my crown of thorns and pull the knife out my chest.
(This part fits me because I've been going to church for so long, it's made me lukewarm; complacent. I want that fire back, but it's like it's just ebbing away, like blood seeping from a knife wound, and I'm desperately trying to suck it back up)
I keep searching for something that I never seem to find.
But maybe I won't, because I left it all behind.
(maybe my sins are still coming between God and I. I want to quit, it's so hard, and I hate everytime it happens, but I can't stop :'()
Now I'm stuck with this, and that'll never change
Always a part of me, until the very last day.
(I'm stuck in my depression, and nothing helps permanently, and I'm afraid it's going to kill me.)

Where to go from here? What road to travel on?
I spent my whole life choosing, and I always chose wrong.
(What do I do now? Everything I've tried up to this point has led to failure.)
Will I try to have the will to be alive?
(I'm too afraid to kill myself, or I'd already be gone.)
Will I die because I've never seen the light?
(Am I saved? I'm begging that I am.)
Blow it to the ground and it's now you see,
You spent your whole life taking the best of me.
(The porn industry has taken so much from me in general. Because if it hadn't been there for me to look at, I'd have so many less problems... and maybe Savannah would love me :'()

Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
(I can't stand being at home anymore, and now it's getting worse because4 I don't want to be at my church. and no one's ever here for me anymore)
Can you hear me now?
(I want to be heard)
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
(It hurts to breathe sometimes when I think about certain things that depress me)
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

How low can I keep pretending to be?
That all the stars in the sky could mean something to me.
(I don't know what's important to me anymore)
Heaven will open up if I live on my knees.
A man of many words, but of few deeds.
(I say I love God, I say I want to follow him, I say I want to quit this addiction, but I haven't followed through yet)
Walking these streets, so absent of hope.
A pillow of concrete, a man with no home.
(I've gone on bike rides just to get out of my house and I sleep on my grandma's floor a lot... because it's safer than being home)
Lend him a hand, then we're walking the way.
Leave the virtue of pity, but we live with the shame.
(people offer help, and when it comes time to follow through for me, I look around and see no one)
So scared to dream in a world with no sunlight.
When you wake up, you know it's darker than last night.
(everyday gets worse.)
Quickly we forget, sacrifice gone by.
Born to walk away, been walking my whole life.
(I need to remember that He died for me, and get rid of my doubts, and I need to run to Him, not walk away :/)

Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

Look into my eyes and I see
What do I see? Nothing at all
(I hate who I've become)
Take another look around me
What do I see? Nothing at all

Where'd you go? Where's your home?
How'd you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There's no light, there's no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you're underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

Can you hear me? Hear me now

One of those times

You remember when you told me to be a man and suck it up?
And I explained to you that I was depressed and I needed someone to talk to?
This is (insert title here)
I wish you understood that the reason us MEN, as you generalize me as, GENERALLY suffer from depression our whole lives.
So telling someone to be a man and suck it up is basically like telling them to join the general population of men who bottle all their emotions up inside and are killed from their depression because they "sucked it up"
It's really damn sad that I only have two people's numbers memorized right now that I call.
Because neither of those people has the time for me.
This is (insert title here) that I wish I was brave enough to just end it.
This is one of those times when I am sucking it up, and it physically is weighing down upon my chest, and I'm struggling to breathe.
This is one of those times when I don't know if I'm saved.
When I don't know if I'm going to heaven.

Weird

It may seem odd to you.
Being sad on your birthday.
It's weird for me when I enjoy mine at all.
My 17th birthday consisted of an itunes gift card my mom got free, Mcdonald's, and a puddle of tears.
I have gotten used to dreading birthdays now.
Another day wasted.
My 16th birthday was amazing though.
Because I felt loved back then.
Because I got what I asked for, and spent the day with someone who (at the time) meant everything to me.
The next year I was completely alone, and with fresh wounds to sew, but no one to sew them for me.
I hope I can make you happy on your big day.
Because you do (still) mean the world to me.

Great :/

I love talking to you on the phone.
It usually makes me happy.
But not when you're unresponsive and you don't even care if we're talking :/
You say you love me, but I don't see it.
I guess I'll wait around for you to make an effort and call me instead.
But you wouldn't, would you?
I'm sorry I'm so damn boring.
I guess you were right.
We have nothing in common.
That's just fucking great.
Because I almost started crying on the phone because you were so unresponsive.
It wasn't that you weren't fun to talk to.
It hurt to talk to you when you didn't even fucking care.
I won't make that mistake again.
I won't call.
You can call me if you need anything.

Favorites

Fuck you.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
You're my only fucking brother.
And you prefer my bitch ass slut of a sister to me.
Did you know she sneaks guys into the house to fuck them?
Oh, you didn't? well, if you knew me at all, and I trusted you a slight amount, I might let you read this.
But no.
You're a waste.
I want a better brother.
I always wanted a little brother.
Someone I could love like you never loved me. I waited 16 years, but I've got one like that now.
And our sister wonders why he's my favorite person out of the entire world?
You take her to the Renaissance Festival every year for her birthday.
I get NOTHING from you, you royal jackass.
I get told I'm weak
I get told I have horrible handwriting.
The way I dress is criticized.
You tell me I need to clear my skin up.
You don't tell her to lose weight.
You don't tell her not to be a whore.
You don't tell her to dress appropriately.
You don't tell her to not hit me.
You don't tell her anything negative.
You call her your bushkies.
You say how her room is cleaner than mine.
You come over and want to play Wii with her, but never bother coming over to play anything with me.
I tell you I biked 30, 40 miles in a day, you don't care.
You were the reason I decided to bike everywhere.
You were supposed to be my dad when I didn't have one.
Our non-biological father you told people you were.
Truth be told, Martin, you, Dale, Frank, and Butch are everything I DON'T want to grow up to be.
I'm making an effort.
I hope it's working.
But the way people treat me, you'd think I was the worst convict.
Convicted of the wrong crime I guess.
Or maybe it's just life?
I don't know.
But I hate it.
You think being cared for by all of my siblings less than other siblings would hurt.
Yeah. It does.
My oldest sisters are best friends.
My brother prefers my youngest sister. where do I fit?
I'm the fucking fifth wheel.
The accident.
The reason my mom is allergic to those foods.
The reason she gained so much weight.
I know they blame me for it.
All of them.

Truth be told

I wish I hadn't been so forceful :/
I shouldn't have pushed so much.
I don't mean that much to you that way.
I shouldn't have kissed you.
I walked away in tears because I was mad at myself for making you do that.
You aren't horrible to me.
I don't ride 17 miles to surprise someone horrible.
I love you so much I'm not sure I can put it in words.
Actions I could do.
But they wouldn't mean anything to you.
I stared in your eyes, and thought, "Why can't I marry this girl someday?"
And remembered that someone else will get that.
You changed your mind about me... I know this.
But you're here for me.
Even though I screw up.
Some people don't understand what hurts me, and you do.
I'm tired of pissing girls off.
I keep saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, acting the wrong way....
That's why I'm planning on taking a month off the computer.
Because then only the people that care will talk to me, because they'll bother to get my digits and try to get ahold of me.
I'll call you still.
I'll call those who need me.
Those who really care will call first.
It's a test.
I hope I can actually stay off the internet a whole month :p
I hope those who say they love me, show it

Thoughts

I think I may go on a cyber diet for a month.
No facebook, blog, mypace, myyearbook, likeZEBRA, yahoo, whatever.
I need to get rid of this.
I'll keep you posted if I decide to do it.
It'll start on March 1st.

I knew it :'(

I knew I would fuck up :(
I knew I'd say something totally wrong.
I KNEW IT.
FUCK :'(
please forgive me for being so damn retarded. :'(
I knew that was a mistake before I started :(

Back when.

That felt great.
This Sunday.
Seeing you all cozy and happy with him.
Was it awkward with me there?
Because I saw you two and remembered back when you and I were like that.
Back when you loved me, instead of him.
Back before you left me for him.
Back when you cared how I felt.
Back when you would have noticed that I was depressed.
Back when you didn't make up reasons to hurt me.
Back when you'd kiss me.
Back when I hoped to stay yours forever.
Back when....
It hurt to look at you.
How was my disguise?

Seriously?

"I think we need to take a few weeks off to let the dust settle between the 3 of us"
Some friend you're being.
You don't care about me, I already knew that, but do you have to hurt me every time you type?
Anything you've said lately has hurt.
Because yet again, you're a girl who changed her mind.
Thank you, by the way.
I have so many more trust issues at this moment in time then ever before.
Are you proud?
Because I had some trust issues before, but you've proved my point way more than anyone else had.
Because you just added to my pain.
The pain I've been running from for so long.
You think I'm rebounding?
Fuck yes I am.
I've kissed three girls already in 2011.
Because I thought you were different.
I imagined so much for us.
I always imagine that....
I have a pretty fucked up imagination.
It hurts me more than necessary.
Because it shows me exactly what I want.
And I don't get what I want anymore.

Unsure?

I'm unsure what you're saying here.
You feel like a lil girl...
About who though?
Certainly not me?
I would love that (:
But it's not me, is it?
Lemme know :/
......
...... (time lapse)
Not me, okay, thought not.
Just checking.
Hoping, wishing, begging, praying, you know.

The only exception

I've never before done what I plan to do.
Hit a girl out of anger.
You're about to become the only exception.
I hope it was worth it.
Because I'll NEVER trust you again.


later.....
I didn't hit you as much as I wanted to.
I barely slapped you.
But you're not on my best side now

Wednesday

I told you that me even coming to your church,
me even hanging out with you was a sign that I liked you.
I don't hang out with friends.
I hang out with people I want to date.
They're the only ones worth all the effort it takes to get out of my house.
I don't even know if I want to make that effort now.
You don't care :'(
What's the point of me showing I care that much?
When to you it means NOTHING.
I'm just another guy who wants you.
Throw me in the bandwagon with the rest of your fans.
I hate this.
I look in your eyes, and I see what I want.
I look in your eyes, and I'm happy.
I look at you, and see you smile, and I know what they mean when they say their heart melts.
I look at you, and I love you.

Do you think?

Do you think if I pissed someone off enough, they'd shoot me?
I've never been shot before.
Maybe they'll aim right and I won't have to be shot more than once.
Maybe I won't feel it.
Maybe I'll see Jesus?
I wouldn't have to be hurt again.
Ever again.
No more girls.
Just one problem.
I want a kid first.
How can I have a kid without someone who cares enough to love me for that long?
Maybe a surrogate chick lady person?
She gets paid to have kids, right?
It's a plan

Adventuretime 2.0

3 guesses.
1. H.M.
2. My anger.
3. death.
4. you.
So, we've now come to the conclusion that everyone of those have hurt me.
you hurt me long ago.
death depresses me all the time,
does it hurt? yeah, to breathe.
my anger is the source for so much of my pain.
and finally H.M.
I told you she'd hurt me, didn't I?
You know my standards for dating girls, right?
I have to be able to see myself with them some years down the road?
i.e. I have to be willing to marry them someday?
Yeah. Besides a few (3ish?) exes (that all don't care), she's the only girl I can see myself with. The only one that I THOUGHT cared.
Well, looky me, I was wrong and right at the same time!
Wrong that she cared.
Right that she'd hurt me.
Either way, I win something right?
And lose what I want.
Fuck I'd like to get what I want for once. JUST ONCE.
I put a 6 month limit on her.
I was too generous.
She didn't last more than 1.
Remind me to not like anymore girls ever again.
Starting now.

Sleep

I'm going to sleep
I hope I don't wake up this time.
I hope there actually is a heaven, and I can get in.
But I'm pretty sure I won't if there is.
I don't doubt in God.
But heaven?
Not so sure
I hope to find out soon enough.
It's better than trying to figure this out.
Trying to apologize time after time for feelings I don't have?
Trying to fix what I've done wrong...
If you're reading this... you can show her.
She doesn't know the depths of my depression.
Let her see the world through confused eyes.
My world.
It's darker than I knew.

F*ck :'(

I wanna cut,
I wanna cut,
I wanna cut
I wanna fucking cut :'(
Plllleeease don't decide this :'(
I love you :'(
I know that.
I don't "almost" love you,
I really freaking do love you :'(
Please :'(
Ugh I'm fucking retarded.
Why don't I want to live?
This is why.
Every girl changes her mind,
then hates me when I do one stupid thing :'(
Maybe I can end it?
I want to so badly :'(

New

I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was.
Remember when I told you she'd hurt me?
I was right, wasn't I?
Maybe not permanently... but maybe so :/
That possibility of messing up again, before anything even got started tears me to shreds :(
I want her.
I want someone to care :/
And right now it seems that no one sees me that way.
The way I see so many :(
Does anyone love me?
I don't mean like a friend or like a brother or all the other crap I hear.
I mean does anyone out there love me enough to want to be mine?
I know someone's gonna say Barb.
But she's got so many damn issues and can't so no to anything with a penis.
I don't want her.
I know what I want.
But what I want doesn't feel the same :(
What do I do?

Confused.... read the other half of it too

I'm really sorry for beating you up about this :(
It's not my place to know :(
Really, Truly, I am sorry :'(
Don't tell me, okay?
I'm sorry for being so rude to you....
Please forgive me :'(
I wish I treated you better :(
I really wish I didn't try to make you tell me things.
I wish I knew when to f*cking stop :'(
I could still treat you better. like you deserve to be treated.
I shouldn't be that curious.
I can't help it :'(
I can't help this pain I'm feeling being so angry at myself for treating you this way:(
Please get back on and talk to me.... but only if you got off because I was too curious and bothered you... :(
Because I promise not to ask what you're confused about...
I'll wait until you decide to tell me...
If you're still confused..
and if you want to tell me.
You don't have to.

You

Mean a lot to me.
A ton really.
Thank you for defending me :/
To me you're not just an ex.
You're the girl I wish for so often.
SO OFTEN to be mine :/
But I can't have you :/
So they learn the name of the next girl, and the next...
and the next.
Because each one I mess up in someway.
But you... I screwed up with you in such a huge way.
I thought I could get you to like me...
I was wrong.
SO wrong.
I wish they'd know who I was talking to, because It'd always be the same girl...
And honestly. any girl, you, HM, "any ex" as you lump them together....
If someone cares about me, they mean more to me than my sister.
Easily.
And you're very different from the rest of my exes.
Remember that.
Last night was the happiest night I've had this week since Tuesday probably.
SO don't think you don't mean a ton to me.
*plllllllb*

I screwed up with you worse because you were the best, and I did the worst thing to you :/

Others have lied, most have hurt, unless I hurt them first.
Others have taken back what they've said.
Some hate me.
But only one mattered enough and was strong enough to make me go as slow as you did.
Only one girl had stopped me like you did.
You.
Are
Unique
<3

Phone

I'm pretty sure I loved last night
When you called me babe, I didn't laugh because I found it funny.
I laughed because enjoyed it.
I thought to myself that maybe you still felt that way about me, you know?
I really hope you didn't hurt yourself last night :/
I called to prevent that.
To let you know how freaking much I care.
How do you miss me?
I wanted to talk about our break up too.
Maybe if the phone hadn't died?
Maybe...
Maybe we could have brought those feelings up.
Maybe I'd move on?
I doubt that one.^
I know how I feel, that remains unchanged.
And I know how you feel.
So it's nice to call, to chat it up.
To let you know I'm here.
I stay with you, helping (or trying) because I love you.
I told you this many times girly.
You slept with my shirt? like wearing in it or just holding it?
How does it still smell like me?
It's been so long....
I'm glad I could help.
The point of your ife is to make mine better :)
Because you do.
You really do.
Because I didn't call anyone else last night.
I tried to talk to HM but she was too busy.
You saved me last night.
I was so down it's not even funny :(
But you helped :)
I'm glad I called.
I haven't laughed that much lately.
*blows raspberry* :)

Which?

Which are about me?
I'm curious
and what's wrong?
I want to help you
please hun

I was wrong :/

It was December 8th I became single.
Silly me, I've been alone longer than I thought

You okay?

Why would I be disappointed in you?
I'm sorry I didn't get home until 12:01 am :/
I really feel bad for not being there to talk to you :/ let me know if I can help at all? :/
How are you?
I hope you're good.
I want to help :(
Who stays positive?
What is wrong that you can't be?
And just a friend?
Okay.
I'll learn to deal

I'm not sure which of these were even to posts about me.
so ignore them.

Real

Real.
You told me you don't love me.
That's how you kept it real.
And then you say you do love me, but in a different way?
Now you're confusing me.... :/

Nuttin

That word meant a lot.
It carried a lot of weight.
I forgot about it.
I guess it happened in those weeks we didn't talk to each other.
I'm not sure.
I can't believe I did.
I don't normally forget such important things :(
I really don't.
I know I've hurt you :/
I know you've hurt me...
But it's different.
You've been keeping it real.
I'm trying to force you to love me.
And you don't.So I need to stop.
I'm sorry for forcing so much :/
nuttin hun. nuttin a lot. nuttin too much. Too damn much :'(
I really fucking love you.
I feel extremely horrible for forgetting it :'(
DO NOT CRY. please?
I love you happy <3

I know

I know you're here.
Thank youuu.
It means something.
I don't think I am.
I considered it.
But she needs me right now.
Her parents are splitting....
And she needs someone who can make her smile instead of how often she cries :/
Bring it when I do.
I might let you know before hand.
But I might come from behind,
and hug you rather tightly
I'd like a long hug.
They're best from the front though.
You carry me around why?
I will hold you to that promise :)
Will you keep hugging me?

True

We would be closer.
If I lived nearer to you.
But I don't
So we aren't

Please

Tell me you're joking.
Tell me this is an act
A joke
A lie?
This is breaking my heart.
And you don't even talk to me.
You don't realize that I care about you, do you?
I'm sorry, you don't CARE that I care about you.
Because you think I'm a creepy psycho stalker?
Or maybe that's another ex?
Well, I hope you realize just how fucked up your life is getting.
You don't trust God?
You don't believe in Him?
Which is it?
Because either is stupid.
I thought you were immature.
But if I am to believe what you're telling everyone,
This is a new fucking low.
You smoke pot?
That's new.
You would rather have a casual relationship and you don't want to wait for marriage to have sex with someone?
That's new too.
I really hope these are lies.
I REALLY FUCKING HOPE.
You know I made an effort on Sunday to talk to you?
To be a friend.
I know I messed up with you.
But you gotta realize you made mistakes too.
No one's perfect, but you don't have to throw your life away.
I hope Mary Jane is a damn good friend.
Because she's going to cost you your best ones.

Shirt and movies

I guess you don't like being left in the dark, eh?
Neither do I :/
But this is important.
Because I'm not going to lie to you.
I won't say I'm coming.
I won't say I'm not.
But don't bring it when I don't.
Then you'd be left carrying my crap around.
And if I came, would I bring your stuff?
Yeah I would.
But I bring something better in my mind.
A hug.
It's been awhile.
But if I saw you again, I probably would.
And I'd have a hard time letting go.
I'm pretty sure I took that song off of my ipod finally.
It's still too much.
Or maybe I just wanted new music.
Music without attachment.
I don't know.
Maybe I can listen to it.
Maybe not.

You're Welcome?

What did I do?
and you don't know what to do with who?

Beautiful / Meaning

Yes
I
Do.
I mean everything I say to you.
I guess it's not a man.
maybe pain?
and what is the Wednesday Nights post for?
What's your idea?

Invisible

Am I not here for you?
Do I not listen?
Don't I tell you not to harm yourself?
Don't I say I love you?
Don't I believe in you?
Listen to "Stay Beautiful" by t swift.
You are beautiful.
Stay that way.

rawr

Well that's good.
Or I'd be the boogeyman :p
thank you

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

That's the fear of long words.
And I hope that whatever happens,
We end up happy.
together or apart.

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

There's your big word.
I've learned a new one since last time.
I will try.
I always will.
And don't worry, I'll still be nice and sweet and cheesy or whatever.
I'll just have limits.
I'll stop before I begin.
I'll behave.
I'll try to be a Mr. Right

It's a nice sentiment

But I can't stay me for long.
What with everyone hating me
I'm gonna have to change eventually.
Maybe then we won't clash?
By then you'll have found your Mr. Right.
Understanding is nice, but it doesn't make a difference.

Why I don't wanna grow up

I tell people I don't wanna grow up because grown ups die.
That's the minor reason why.
I'm crying just typing this.
My stepdad yelled at me once (well, one of the times he yelled at me)
and while he slapped me, he was telling me how immature I was, and that I was an idiotic asshole and said "No wonder you don't have any friends" and any other name he could think of.
He told me to grow up.
I resolved to be true to who I am and not to change to what he wanted me to be.
I will not grow up.
Not till that bastard dies.
I have friends.
Maybe not many :'(
but the ones I truly hold dear mean a lot to me.
Even if they don't feel the same.
Barbara acts like I don't know how it feels to be rejected.
My whole life was damn close to not happening.
Two Months or so earlier, my mom would not have had another kid.
She found out she was pregnant with me when she went to have her fucking tubes tied.
And if that wasn't enough,
While I was in the womb, a doctor stabbed me in the face with a needle.
I still have the scar.
While my mom was giving birth to me, she had a seizure.
Almost lost me.
I'm a walking miracle.
And what does my sister take it upon herself to remind me all the time?
That I'm the reason my mom is allergic to certain foods.
She could eat them before she had me, and now she can't.
She tells me in these exact words "It's your fault she can't eat bananas or carrots"
Bananas and carrots.
Two of my favorite food flavors.
I'm the reason my mom's allergic to them.
It's my fault.
I'll be lucky to grow up.
Until then, I want to live like I almost didn't get to.
I want to live free.
I want to be myself.
Whatever I am.
And just typing this has caused me enough tears.
SO, I think I'm done.

Girls

I'm not grouping all girls into people that hurt others.
It just follows that if I care about a girl, she'll end up hurting me.
With a few exceptions, because I left them before they could.

Adventuretime

Yeah, sick adventure indeed.
3 guesses?
1. H.M.
2. my own self destructive anger
3. death.
4. you.
not in the order they'll hurt me,
otherwise death would be on top.
I obsess about it.
But in the amount.
Maybe not even that.
Because I'm pretty sure I cry a ton at my anger,
slightly less about death,
and H.M. Hasn't hurt me YET.
you'd probably be third
Oh, and we didn't have crying in common?
I still cried just as much when you were mine.
But not about you.

Don't

I cry enough
Even without your words
I cry from anger
I cry because I hurt.
I cry because I'm stupid.
None of it's your fault.
It's me being me
What's next?
I'll cry again.
Don't know when.
It's kind of an adventure.
Wondering what the next thing to hurt me is.
I can tell you in three guesses.

I don't know

I don't know what I expected you to say.
Not yes.
Never yes.
But not something so blunt.
Not something to bring tears to my eyes.
Not a fresh break.
Not a reopened wound.
Not proof that I'm not good enough.
MORE proof anyway

What If?

What if you did come back in that way?
Or, more properly, what would have to happen?
Would I need to grow up?
I'm trying.
I am...
But it takes more.
You'd have to want it
And you don't.
So, be there all you want.
I wish you were HERE.
The way you used to be

Rant to me

If you need to get it out,
get it out, please?
If it's me anyway.
and if not, spill about him.
Let me know what's going on :(

(o_o)

I've treated you better than any other guy?
maaaaan.
you must have horrible taste :o

Miss Jackson!

What are you going to say/ask?
you should tell me.
I'm rather curious.
Thanks a heap.
oh, and I AM FORREALLL!!!!

Was I right?

Yeah.
I was totally right girly.
I really am sorry it happened like this,
but I have to say I told you so :/
Your parents didn't like me,
what made you think they'd be fine with him?
He's much older than both of us.
It's gross. I'm not gonna lie
You should trust me though :/
I am here for you....
I promise.
I'm sorry he hurt you :(
Let me know how/if I can help?

Puddles? ha

I can't cry enough to even fill a thimble unless I'm pissed off.
puddles are not happening.
I'm not putting a limit on her.
Think of it as an educated guess.

IF

anyone loved that side of me,
I wouldn't have so many exes, would I?
NO. I give her a month or two before she bails :'(
I hate crying

Ashamed

Remember all those times?
When I pushed you back?
I was trying to help you.
And you feel ashamed....
I'm sorry I kissed you that day.
I forced it.
I forced these horrible memories to happen
It's like rape but I made you think you wanted it.
How could you ever have wanted me?
You couldn't.

Be hers?
I refuse right now.
I won't force another girl to be with me.
I'll wait until she's put up with me.
I'll wait until she knows how fucking annoying and childish I am.
I may even wait until next school year.
Or maybe the summer.
Maybe if I wait long enough, she'll forget about me too.
She'll like a better guy.

It is

About you.
please let me in.
let me know how you hurt and why

Hey

How are you doing?
talk to me, be honest,
spill your guts please.
Something, anything, everything?
is going wrong, and I want in.
please trust me

Hope it's not too late

For me to apologize.
I've been treating you like crap.
I know this.
I'm sorry.
This guilt is crushing me.
You can't see it, but I'm trying not to cry.
I shouldn't judge you for liking him.
I like her, don't I?
I'm sorry for doing this so often.
PLEASE, forgive me :'(
I just don't know what you mean when you say you care.
I wanted so much more :'(

Feelings

I don't like you knowing how I feel.
I feel exposed.
I feel... vulnerable.
You're so invincible compared to me.
I can't hurt you.
I can't expect your feelings to be effected by me.
That's why I smile.
That's why you didn't see me in the car, trying to hold back tears.
Holding back my fears.
My anger.
My vulnerability.
Making her worry she's pushing me away.
I don't think it's her. I think I'm just scared.
Scared of another you.
That's why her and I aren't dating.
Because I told her I wanted to wait 6 months.
To make sure it's not the "feeling" she loves.

Natural.

You have it.
You just don't realize this.
I told you everyday.
You're beautiful.
With no makeup.
I promise

I'm so sick

of feeling like this. so pissed off at myself. at you. at my feelings.
this is what's bringing me down.
4. that's the number of ex girlfriends that will be at rage tomorrow of mine.
50. the percentage of that number is the girls I still care about.
2. the number of those girls it hurts to even see.
1. the number of them I want to talk to.
4. the number out of those girls who won't talk to me.
365. the number of days officially tomorrow since one of those girls stopped talking to me.
7. the number of months I gave that girl out of my life before she got sick of me.
3. the number of months you put up with me.
19. the age I don't expect to live past

wtf?

What the heck did I do?
you said you wanted to talk to me.
I said hello, and you replied, then kept on walking?
really?
Sorry, I didn't get the message you were mad at me all of a sudden.
Next time, I won't even look your way.
Oh, and I brought your stuff.
I guess you didn't want it.
You didn't bring my stuff from what I saw.
Guess you really DON'T care.
Let's add you to the list of those who don't.

Oh.

I realized that in your absence, I have not blogged. so... this is me coming back. that was odd. Hmm. I was worried. then confused? then worried you weren't great anymore, and now I'm confused still.
So, H.M. and I have decided not to date for at least six months.
Some say it's awhile.
some say it's good.
I say I don't know if I can do that even in six months if I still have this problem.
Because I don't want her to do what you did.
Offer to help me and then turn her back.
That wouldn't help me :'(
But I don't know if she'd understand.
And I don't want to burden you with this when your life is going so great. so I'll save it for now and post it in a week or two, so other posts are in front of it

left track :p

I like being crazy

okay, i see how it is :)

How am I on the right track now?

Well, I'm not changing my mind :)

yes, wise one

I let people at school put me down. until they go too far. then someone gets hit with a milk carton.
I stand up because I got sick of my head being hit against the wall. I stand up to survive.
I have my opinions, and my opinions are usually right :)

you want to comfort me?

You can talk to me when I'm upset.
you can tell me what's wrong when I ask you.
that's all i need :)

Today (Choose)

I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time.
I'm not sure.
it was hard to breathe.
My only thought was that I needed someone to tell.
Someone specific was on my mind, but I couldn't find them.
So, Dakota became the shoulder I cried on.
Dakota, who NEVER lets me hug him, hugged me and asked what was wrong.
Dakota asked if I was okay.
Thanks Dakota.
I needed that.
Typing this was hard.
I started crying again, and I couldn't even see.
But it needed to be said.
Maybe someone will know I hurt.
Maybe someone will get me away from here.
Maybe someone can get rid of him.
Can show her that she doesn't need him.
Can show her that she'll lose me to him.
I won't stick around.
I told her this too.
She laughed and told me how I can't get into college, can't join the Navy, can't do anything.
Thanks for the support, Mother. Just you wait. I'll come home in that uniform, and
you know who I'm giving money to? Grandma.
Or, maybe if I gave you enough, You'd divorce that fuckbag.
That douche.
That fucking asshole you call a fucking husband who I told this morning,
that I HOPE he rots in Hell.
I wouldn't wish that one anyone.
He's the only one I would say that to.
Did you hear what he said back, Mother?
He said he'll see me there first.
If I was you, I would have fucking hit him for saying that to my child. but no.
You're a codependent whore who can't live without someone even when they beat her children and try to get them arrested multiple times.
Thanks, mom.
For choosing another failure father.
I hope he's worth losing me.
Because next year at this time, you may not even know where I am.
I promise you.
It's him or me.
Now choose

B & S?

How am I brave and strong? I don't see it.
enlighten me please, oh wise genius :p

H.M.....

I told you i need to talk to you.
i need to be your friend (:

in what way? caring makes me confused sometimes...
but i'm sure you mean friends

I told her tonight that we need to stay friends for a few months, (I'm hoping 6 or so).
Because I can sense something more, but I need to take this slow.
I wouldn't want to force it like I did to you.

What would you do if I had changed my mind?
You would have been fine.
I hope

Happy

is what I am. it's nice to feel tis way. maybe that's what happens when I hang out with a friend and they drum with insane skills so i can see :p
and they play Naruto Clash of Ninja Revolution and Super Mario Bros. 1 and 3 with me, along with some wiiware demos. it was definitely a good day :)

Words

Why would I not want to stay friends?
WHy?
I need to talk to you silly.
everyday probably. you still mean a lot, and you know this
How am I moving past you?
Did I say something to you?

what would I change my mind about, you ask?
I meant that post about the things you want me not to do.
I was saying I could change my mind, I think.
I'm not going to obviously.

what should I think about? what do you mean?

Other words...
I said it. doesn't mean it's a good thing
It just means I want to be brave.
I need to be strong.
and there are things wrong with loving people.
especially if they don't love you back.
these are words. take them or ignore them. I'm an oddball
I love you

Brave

it means a lot coming from you. not sure why, but it does.
and silly you for asking if I read your blog. I memorized the URL.
yes. I did. i do. i am. always

hurt me more?

I don't think you could hurt me any more.
Being able to hold you would at least let me know you can stand me.
Because I don't think you can.
You don't even want to see me.

I'm dumb

i was about to make a post just to say the three words that I shouldn't, I click new post, and immediately tear up. what is wrong with me?

anyways, here's what I was gonna say

I love you

Never. Friendship for lifeee

Your confusion didn't bug me. my impatience did
I'm telling you it would hurt me more to stop being friends.
I'll move on eventually, right?
Why do you hurt?
It was your choice....
Or am I hurting you?
if so.. you can leave, stop talking, whatever you need.

Maybe, for once, I need to not think about what I'm doing?
I'm not planning on changing my mind.
Read the I'm sorry post. it's about you. not a T.

Player... 2.0

an apology.
I told you how much it hurts when I say I am sorry.
I feel all that right now, with tears to add.
I did read the first line. and thought it was about that guy.
but i looked at it from your view, from a diffrent time. and thought, maybe it was about him, but he was the other guy. that's probably still wrong. I get confused rather easily, and I took the post down because it doesn't fit :/
It doesn't quite fit how i feel.
it fits my anger. my anger at so many people. not just you.
an anger for being called a player before.
anger at my sister for calling me a whore.
I don't know where she gets off calling me that.
she's done guys without a real relationship intact.
I'm sorry for my assumptions...
I'm sorry for jumping to that conclusion.
I'm sorry for not understanding.
if you don't hate me, then what is this?
it can't be hate, or you wouldn't bother following what I write. you wouldn't respond. you wouldn't care no matter what I did. So, no, it's not hate at all.
I'm sorry i wrote that word at all :/
Would is be so crazy, to stop being friends?

Why?

I see only benefits for you in the end.
For me? I see crying, hurt, pain. and then rebirth. a fresh start. not quite fresh, but an attempt. an attempt to gain the courage to wait. to wait for you to be happy, and then come back and try to restart a friendship. but it might now work. could I handle that? I think not. maybe friends will work... for now.

What is your definition of forgiveness?
mine is when you can accept it, move on, and if it comes up, it may bother you a bit, but it doesn't hurt you, does it?
I forgive everyone minus one person.
when I think of my father, i feel no hurt. i feel kinda happy that I'm able to visit him. a little sad that it's rare, but happy. no pain
when i think of you, my heart screams at me. maybe this is what forgiveness means. or maybe, just maybe, i need to forgive you. because when i think about you, i hurt. and I think about you all too often

What if I did those things? would it be so horrible?
again, I ask,

WHY?

I know about your past, do you have any other reasons?
Why would it be so bad? I hear they relieve stress pretty well.
You're against them. How well do you know me?
Am I against them? Answer that for me


and the thing I've written this post to say.
I'm sorry.
yep. hurt like i thought it would
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry for freaking out at you

Affection

I do love you
I would hold you
I do adore you.
I wish I knew why you wanted that from someone else, anyone else.
Because I'd offer it in a heartbeat.

I asked you

what the point of love is if it isn't returned.
is there a point?
I think the point is to make you feel special.
Do you feel special having someone's heart?
If you don't, then there isn't really a point is there?
I think it's to let you know it's meant to be.
but how many people do you love, do I love? no, it can't be that.
do you feel special?
I did.
when you were mine.
now i feel like the gum you pulled out of the pack,
chewed it up, spit on the ground, and now I'm stuck on your shoe.
Stuck on you.
How long until you scrape me off entirely?
Or just keep me on until I wear through and just disappear entirely?
I don't want do find out.
But to think you would scrape me off of your shoe and pop me back into the pack is impossible. Rechewing what's already been worn out and has tons of crap all over it?
You wouldn't.
So, the point doesn't matter, does it?
I'll disappear soon, according to the metaphor that so accurately fits our friendship.
But, I'm still stuck on you.
maybe while you were chewing the gum, you were on a bike, and spit it back onto your shirt? then i wouldn't disappear so fast...

I'm sorry

I say those words to you a lot. did you know that when I say those words, it feels like a weight is bearing down on me? like your pain is put on me and I'm being crushed by it. and I don't know why. I want to lift it off :( and lift it off of you for good.
because it kills me when you hurt. whether a memory from long before me, or something I did wrong. I'm sorry.
I know you sometimes don't believe it when people say that, but believe me. I mean it. with the weight of your world on my shoulders. I love you t- soooo much

Taylor Swift

I kinda changed my URL on here without explanation, so here goes.
my former URL didn't fit what I wrote about at all (wait)
My current URL is simply the first thing I could think of. you want a world through confused eyes? What's more confusing than a blog with an URL like crushinontswift.blogspot.com that has nothing to do with Taylor Swift? exactly.
Oh, by the way. I have a crush on Taylor Swift

An escape from reality

Bring me face to face with the reality that I'm not yours.
It's nice to wish.
but it's about as useful as fish.
i don't like fish.
unless it's fish sticks.
but anyway.
you don't love me.
and I'm a little too not over you for it not to hurt.
When am I gonna be over this?
sometime, I hope............ you'll love me again.
Because I don't want to be over you.

Politically Correct

I don't mean to piss you off:/
I really don't.
I just don't see how anything I say or feel matters anymore:(
I wish it did. I wish you loved me....
But I guess in some weird way, what I say matters to you.
I have no idea why... But I'll try to understand you more from now on:( I'm sorry.....

Sweet.

SWEET? SWEEEEEEEEET?? How the heck does SWEET help me? it doesn't. I've been sweet before you left me, I'm sweet after, I see no difference, except now you don't care.

hey!

See? new post :p







I'm keeping this up just in case it makes you laugh every time you see it(:

When You Tell Me I'm A Wreck

This song gets me pumped up. it's his voice I think. it gets a little high pitched in a way. and I dig it. I wanna know the words, but I'm showing my followers because it makes me happy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0GWH97jWyA

Nervous

is how I feel. you said you don't know if you're ready to see me, because you don't know what you'll do?
I'm just afraid I'd cry.
Because I am scared to see you.
but I don't take back what I said.
If you want me to help, I'm there. ASAP.
Promise.
because not seeing you makes me forget how much I love hugging you. how perfect you feel in my arms. I want to feel you again, and that's worth my possible insanity and tears.
Don't feel bad for being confused. look at the name of my blog.
I am too. Honest to blog ;p
(that's from a movie) :p the "honest to blog!" saying ahah
I thought it was funny...
so please, we don't need two nervous people.

So I'm not confusing anyone...

I have a problemmm. I don't love just one girl. and it's not my fault :/ it just happened. I can't stand it. if I had to choose? I think I wouldn't. I would use logic. I'd go by how long I've known them, religion, age, weight, whatever it took to decide :/ because I can't control my heart. but I can eliminate options, right? I don't think I could though. but really... if I had to choose, I'd choose the one that loves me back. because right now, that'd be one person, so it would be any easy choice. but then, that would end up failing, and someone else might care about me, right? I'm not sure. I'm being stupid, I know that. but I know I love you. and you. and her. and no girl wants to be an option. but I know that if I had you to myself, I'd never let go till you didn't want me anymore :) because I wouldn't screw things up twice. and if I did.... I'd still love you. I just wouldn't have a chance. Forgive me for my lack of.... decisiveness I guess. i should decide one girl and stick to it. but if I did, she probably would get annoyed of me really quick, then I'd be left with nothing, right? what to do:(

if anyone reads this: there is one girl whom if she asked me out right now, I wouldn't say no. even though it might hurt others. that doesn't sound smart... but I know I love you. I wouldn't trade love for like.

my addiction

So, I kinda wrote a song last year on here about porn.
why that subject? you may ask.
That subject because it's my problem.
read my psalm on here, and you'll realize this.
It's not something I like dealing with
but I haven't been able to stop
I wish I could ask Craig Gross for help.
I bet he'd know what to do about it.
but I can't.
He's kind of famous.
and I'm not.
SO, I'll just suffer and try to climb out of this hole on my own while praying every freaking time i mess up and every time i pray at all.
maybe Cory can help. but he hasn't yet. he knows my problem. and he hasn't been able to help. I want Jim's help.
Jim, the bald guy from UCYC. he struggled with porn. he could help me.
but how would I contact him?
no idea, again. :/
I need help.
you know this dear. I know you do. can you help?

My World

Damn that title for this makes me think of Justin Bieber, the boy whose every CD is titled my world.
I let you in my world. and you cried. why?
It's nothing special.
just depression.
pain
sadness
loss
fatigue from missing you so. damn. much
wishes. made on airplanes, palindromic clocks, stars, prayers - silent or shouted.... wishes on you. for you
wishes that aren't coming true.
for me.
you told me to grow up.
I did homework for once. waited till the last dame minutes I had, but I finished it. freaked my government teacher out by turning in all the work so far.
but it won't matter. you gave me a month. that's up real soon. so is the year another girl gave me, but she won't be talking to me anytime soon. I believe someone told me she said something about me jumping off a cliff? well, that tells you how she feels. but she's starting not to matter as much anymore. she always will to an extent, but someday, I'll be free of that, won't I? I hope. but anyways, back to you.
you are the one who made me soooooo angry I couldn't talk to you for fear I would snap. then I started talking to you again and I felt dead inside. I smiled to you. very fake smiles they were. then, something changed. I'm not sure what. but I can talk to you again. and I can't get enough of you. even when it's about depressing things. I'm glad I'm let into your world, that's why I would like to officially welcome you into My World. minus the Justin Bieber

Fall For You

is the very last song on my ipod. because my battery life will never last long enough to reach it.

In the midst of all my depression...

I was extremely, insanely happy today (1/4/11). almost giddy just with laughter. I felt like I was flying high. it was great. I must thank my friend Maddy for this :p Maddy and her picture that became a commenting chat room :p I love random funness. and the person I was talking to on her picture was her friend Haley, who happens to be a female drummer that likes fart humor :D How many girls like fart humor? bahaha. and, she's Christian:) she cheered me up today. I don't know why. but it felt amazing to smile again so much. I think I'm going to talk to the female drummer more often :p

It's 1/6/11 Now, and ohmygoodness. this girl is quite the happy person.
I should be meeting her tomorrow. kinda nervous.
am I supposed to hug new people? I want to. I hug everyone.
but what's her dad gonna say? o.O dads and I don't get along.
ever. except Jim. but he's different. I've known him since i was born.
So, hug, high five....?
it's a good confusion I think. It'll help me think more before I act.
A little planning can't hurt, right?
You know, she could hug me I guess.
That'd be nice.
OH! She might teach me drums!
I'm lookin forward to that.
I've wanted to learn drums for awhile now (:
Like, since I was in 5th grade?
Oh, her mom is pretty amazing. she asked if I was going to blog about her, so here, I mentioned her.
She's the kind of mom that shoots.
i think I'll keep a close eye on her :p

UPDATE!
1/7/11
I met her tonight! Officially :p and OMG. her dad looks like Agent Booth from Bones :p haha. and she drums wicked awesomely :D and yeah, I hung out with them for about 4-5 hours tonight? definitely mood booster :p pretty freakin beast day.
They both like me(:
No I still gotta meet the mom aha. That happens tomorrow. stay tuned folks :p

No one really knows this.

besides three people.
Once, in my sophomore year of high school, I had the opportunity to smoke weed.
HOLD UP! You aint judgin' me now, are you? Because I didn't.
I was walking up the hill with my girlfriend when my friend offered to let me come smoke with her. I turned her down because I wasn't going to ditch my girlfriend to go get high. sorry. not my style bro :p
I just felt like sharing this because I know a lot of kids these days smoke weed. and they probably say "my friends made me try it" please, no one MADE you try it. it's a choice. I chose no. I hope you do too

So, I'm going to write a song...

SOMETIME SOON! I'm not sure when, but It's gonna be boss. Stay tuned children.

My wisdom.

Wearing a cross necklace makes you about as Christian as wearing fangs makes you a vampire. - Cody Pryer

I love you

I wish I didn't sometimes, but I can't help myself :/
You may think I'm mad at you half the time, (or all) but I'm hurt. just hurt.
I'm being stupid. Why care about those who hurt me? Because I believe in love. and I fall for it every time. I hope some guy is gonna rock your world with similar interests, no addictions, no bad past mistakes, perfection in male form. impossible? maybe. but he would be perfect to you and for you. and he's not me.

every song that reminds me of you I still mean. even the Train ones.

That's why almost every song that was ours no longer is on my ipod. because I'd sing along through my tears. and then I'd replay them. and I don't need that.

Since I now have decided to let you read these....
Trust me. please? I'm trying to trust you by showing this to you. that's bigger than you know. you can talk to me about guys. about kayla and her boy drama. about how cute the next guy is. I'll listen. I'll rejoice when you smile, mourn when you are sad, miss you when you're not around, and maybe even worry that some guy is actually going to be better than me. but every guy is, so I'll be worrying for awhile. and then, someday you'll get married to that wonderful guy. and I don't know if I could see that happen. I would try, but if I went, I'd be afraid of yelling out loud when they said speak now or forever hold your peace. It wouldn't matter though. because if I did, someone there would escort me out and it would happen anyway.... So, this is me letting you in. welcome, this is my world through the darkened and confused eyes of one who let you down and regrets it every day. I'm not perfect, I never will deserve you, but I'll always love you. You were the best thing, that ever was mine. (yeah, I am quoting tswift)
I probably have more to say to you, but I'm not really sure what TO say after all this... don't hate me :/

Holy Cow

Man do I feel completely useless. you lose something your little sister that you never see gave you down the drain, and I offer to help, search online for how to get something out of a drain, and plan on doing it, when I'm told I'm not even needed. You'd rather have someone else do it. do you know how much that kills me? No. Because you don't care.

If you read this:
I wish you did care :/

Something new.

I haven't written a song since, well, since the last time I posted a song on here. I lack inspiration, I lack the feeling, the emotion, the EVERYTHING I need.
So here's something I do feel inspired to write. maybe it's a rant, maybe it's me throwing up crap. but here it goes.

Untitled CRAP
By: Cody Pryer
You were afraid I'd fall back into my depression?
That just shows you didn't know I never left it.
I needed to talk to you all the time because I knew you'd leave me alone eventually.
I mean, who hasn't, right? I'm on my own.

"You treat me just like a stranger"
you don't even KNOW how much those words fit my life.
I couldn't tell anyone who asks me what my best friend Cory's favorite color is. what he likes in a girl. I wouldn't know his birthday without facebook. wouldn't know his middle name without formspring. I don't know anyone past the superficial level, and sometimes not even that.
Solitary. no one knows that everyday of my life, if I don't have some sound to listen to, I feel a crushing pain in my chest,
I think about hell and death. I think about you. the one before you. the one before her. all my pain comes to the surface.
My only escape is music. not Christian music, as some of my youth leaders and friends have pointed out, but then again, Christian music doesn't help my depression. knowing every word to hollywood undead and a day to remember helps.

My new year's resolution? to break my porn addiction. the same one I have every year. I've lost so much because of porn. and it's tearing me apart. wonder why I hate myself? that's why. wonder why I'm depressed? that started it. people say I've matured. no. I've mellowed out. calmed down because of my depression.
but I don't whine, I don't complain. no. I'm following your advice.

"Be a man and suck it up"

Do you know how much those words hurt? No. because you don't understand that even in the midst of my love, I am depressed.
Even when I got to see you once a week, sometimes twice, it didn't matter. for that time when I was at home with no contact with you, I was crying, listening to music, anything to keep from hurting myself.

I can't commit suicide, do you know how disappointing that is? I can't escape from this depression.
I have to live through it. Do you know why I can't? Because I'm too afraid to die.
Don't be worried about me falling back into depression, trust me. it's not a long drop. I won't even get scratched.
Do you know that I can't stand caring?
Caring about anyone gets me hurt.
you were the exception. and then you proved the rule.
and you won't even see this.
but I see what you write, too late for it to matter.
you care about someone else. I knew it would have happened by now.
I don't care about anyone new. just the same old girls. every one of them has hurt me before you.
your mom told me to get a new girlfriend. really? I'm sorry for actually knowing how I feel.

this is me letting out my pain. because you write all your pain and happiness out, but all I write is about pain. maybe if I write about pain enough, I'll run out and happiness will show up.
maybe. but not likely.

I think when I can drive, I'll just happen to get in an accident.
That'll solve this problem.
you asked what's going on, and I said it's complicated. you asked if I wanted to try you. honestly? I'm afraid to tell you. because you'd realize just how stupid much I care about you. and it wouldn't matter, because you like whatever his name is. probably the guy I'm thinking it is. but it doesn't matter. he'll make you happy like I couldn't. because you don't love me. you said it yourself. but I know you care about him.
if you do happen to see this, I love you. but it won't ever matter. I hope you're happy with whatever guy is important to you. and I meant everything I said when we were together. I still do. forgive me for not being enough. You were enough for me.