Fuck you.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
You're my only fucking brother.
And you prefer my bitch ass slut of a sister to me.
Did you know she sneaks guys into the house to fuck them?
Oh, you didn't? well, if you knew me at all, and I trusted you a slight amount, I might let you read this.
But no.
You're a waste.
I want a better brother.
I always wanted a little brother.
Someone I could love like you never loved me. I waited 16 years, but I've got one like that now.
And our sister wonders why he's my favorite person out of the entire world?
You take her to the Renaissance Festival every year for her birthday.
I get NOTHING from you, you royal jackass.
I get told I'm weak
I get told I have horrible handwriting.
The way I dress is criticized.
You tell me I need to clear my skin up.
You don't tell her to lose weight.
You don't tell her not to be a whore.
You don't tell her to dress appropriately.
You don't tell her to not hit me.
You don't tell her anything negative.
You call her your bushkies.
You say how her room is cleaner than mine.
You come over and want to play Wii with her, but never bother coming over to play anything with me.
I tell you I biked 30, 40 miles in a day, you don't care.
You were the reason I decided to bike everywhere.
You were supposed to be my dad when I didn't have one.
Our non-biological father you told people you were.
Truth be told, Martin, you, Dale, Frank, and Butch are everything I DON'T want to grow up to be.
I'm making an effort.
I hope it's working.
But the way people treat me, you'd think I was the worst convict.
Convicted of the wrong crime I guess.
Or maybe it's just life?
I don't know.
But I hate it.
You think being cared for by all of my siblings less than other siblings would hurt.
Yeah. It does.
My oldest sisters are best friends.
My brother prefers my youngest sister. where do I fit?
I'm the fucking fifth wheel.
The accident.
The reason my mom is allergic to those foods.
The reason she gained so much weight.
I know they blame me for it.
All of them.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Truth be told
I wish I hadn't been so forceful :/
I shouldn't have pushed so much.
I don't mean that much to you that way.
I shouldn't have kissed you.
I walked away in tears because I was mad at myself for making you do that.
You aren't horrible to me.
I don't ride 17 miles to surprise someone horrible.
I love you so much I'm not sure I can put it in words.
Actions I could do.
But they wouldn't mean anything to you.
I stared in your eyes, and thought, "Why can't I marry this girl someday?"
And remembered that someone else will get that.
You changed your mind about me... I know this.
But you're here for me.
Even though I screw up.
Some people don't understand what hurts me, and you do.
I'm tired of pissing girls off.
I keep saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, acting the wrong way....
That's why I'm planning on taking a month off the computer.
Because then only the people that care will talk to me, because they'll bother to get my digits and try to get ahold of me.
I'll call you still.
I'll call those who need me.
Those who really care will call first.
It's a test.
I hope I can actually stay off the internet a whole month :p
I hope those who say they love me, show it
I shouldn't have pushed so much.
I don't mean that much to you that way.
I shouldn't have kissed you.
I walked away in tears because I was mad at myself for making you do that.
You aren't horrible to me.
I don't ride 17 miles to surprise someone horrible.
I love you so much I'm not sure I can put it in words.
Actions I could do.
But they wouldn't mean anything to you.
I stared in your eyes, and thought, "Why can't I marry this girl someday?"
And remembered that someone else will get that.
You changed your mind about me... I know this.
But you're here for me.
Even though I screw up.
Some people don't understand what hurts me, and you do.
I'm tired of pissing girls off.
I keep saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, acting the wrong way....
That's why I'm planning on taking a month off the computer.
Because then only the people that care will talk to me, because they'll bother to get my digits and try to get ahold of me.
I'll call you still.
I'll call those who need me.
Those who really care will call first.
It's a test.
I hope I can actually stay off the internet a whole month :p
I hope those who say they love me, show it
Thoughts
I think I may go on a cyber diet for a month.
No facebook, blog, mypace, myyearbook, likeZEBRA, yahoo, whatever.
I need to get rid of this.
I'll keep you posted if I decide to do it.
It'll start on March 1st.
No facebook, blog, mypace, myyearbook, likeZEBRA, yahoo, whatever.
I need to get rid of this.
I'll keep you posted if I decide to do it.
It'll start on March 1st.
I knew it :'(
I knew I would fuck up :(
I knew I'd say something totally wrong.
I KNEW IT.
FUCK :'(
please forgive me for being so damn retarded. :'(
I knew that was a mistake before I started :(
I knew I'd say something totally wrong.
I KNEW IT.
FUCK :'(
please forgive me for being so damn retarded. :'(
I knew that was a mistake before I started :(
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Back when.
That felt great.
This Sunday.
Seeing you all cozy and happy with him.
Was it awkward with me there?
Because I saw you two and remembered back when you and I were like that.
Back when you loved me, instead of him.
Back before you left me for him.
Back when you cared how I felt.
Back when you would have noticed that I was depressed.
Back when you didn't make up reasons to hurt me.
Back when you'd kiss me.
Back when I hoped to stay yours forever.
Back when....
It hurt to look at you.
How was my disguise?
This Sunday.
Seeing you all cozy and happy with him.
Was it awkward with me there?
Because I saw you two and remembered back when you and I were like that.
Back when you loved me, instead of him.
Back before you left me for him.
Back when you cared how I felt.
Back when you would have noticed that I was depressed.
Back when you didn't make up reasons to hurt me.
Back when you'd kiss me.
Back when I hoped to stay yours forever.
Back when....
It hurt to look at you.
How was my disguise?
Seriously?
"I think we need to take a few weeks off to let the dust settle between the 3 of us"
Some friend you're being.
You don't care about me, I already knew that, but do you have to hurt me every time you type?
Anything you've said lately has hurt.
Because yet again, you're a girl who changed her mind.
Thank you, by the way.
I have so many more trust issues at this moment in time then ever before.
Are you proud?
Because I had some trust issues before, but you've proved my point way more than anyone else had.
Because you just added to my pain.
The pain I've been running from for so long.
You think I'm rebounding?
Fuck yes I am.
I've kissed three girls already in 2011.
Because I thought you were different.
I imagined so much for us.
I always imagine that....
I have a pretty fucked up imagination.
It hurts me more than necessary.
Because it shows me exactly what I want.
And I don't get what I want anymore.
Some friend you're being.
You don't care about me, I already knew that, but do you have to hurt me every time you type?
Anything you've said lately has hurt.
Because yet again, you're a girl who changed her mind.
Thank you, by the way.
I have so many more trust issues at this moment in time then ever before.
Are you proud?
Because I had some trust issues before, but you've proved my point way more than anyone else had.
Because you just added to my pain.
The pain I've been running from for so long.
You think I'm rebounding?
Fuck yes I am.
I've kissed three girls already in 2011.
Because I thought you were different.
I imagined so much for us.
I always imagine that....
I have a pretty fucked up imagination.
It hurts me more than necessary.
Because it shows me exactly what I want.
And I don't get what I want anymore.
Unsure?
I'm unsure what you're saying here.
You feel like a lil girl...
About who though?
Certainly not me?
I would love that (:
But it's not me, is it?
Lemme know :/
......
...... (time lapse)
Not me, okay, thought not.
Just checking.
Hoping, wishing, begging, praying, you know.
You feel like a lil girl...
About who though?
Certainly not me?
I would love that (:
But it's not me, is it?
Lemme know :/
......
...... (time lapse)
Not me, okay, thought not.
Just checking.
Hoping, wishing, begging, praying, you know.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The only exception
I've never before done what I plan to do.
Hit a girl out of anger.
You're about to become the only exception.
I hope it was worth it.
Because I'll NEVER trust you again.
later.....
I didn't hit you as much as I wanted to.
I barely slapped you.
But you're not on my best side now
Hit a girl out of anger.
You're about to become the only exception.
I hope it was worth it.
Because I'll NEVER trust you again.
later.....
I didn't hit you as much as I wanted to.
I barely slapped you.
But you're not on my best side now
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday
I told you that me even coming to your church,
me even hanging out with you was a sign that I liked you.
I don't hang out with friends.
I hang out with people I want to date.
They're the only ones worth all the effort it takes to get out of my house.
I don't even know if I want to make that effort now.
You don't care :'(
What's the point of me showing I care that much?
When to you it means NOTHING.
I'm just another guy who wants you.
Throw me in the bandwagon with the rest of your fans.
I hate this.
I look in your eyes, and I see what I want.
I look in your eyes, and I'm happy.
I look at you, and see you smile, and I know what they mean when they say their heart melts.
I look at you, and I love you.
me even hanging out with you was a sign that I liked you.
I don't hang out with friends.
I hang out with people I want to date.
They're the only ones worth all the effort it takes to get out of my house.
I don't even know if I want to make that effort now.
You don't care :'(
What's the point of me showing I care that much?
When to you it means NOTHING.
I'm just another guy who wants you.
Throw me in the bandwagon with the rest of your fans.
I hate this.
I look in your eyes, and I see what I want.
I look in your eyes, and I'm happy.
I look at you, and see you smile, and I know what they mean when they say their heart melts.
I look at you, and I love you.
Do you think?
Do you think if I pissed someone off enough, they'd shoot me?
I've never been shot before.
Maybe they'll aim right and I won't have to be shot more than once.
Maybe I won't feel it.
Maybe I'll see Jesus?
I wouldn't have to be hurt again.
Ever again.
No more girls.
Just one problem.
I want a kid first.
How can I have a kid without someone who cares enough to love me for that long?
Maybe a surrogate chick lady person?
She gets paid to have kids, right?
It's a plan
I've never been shot before.
Maybe they'll aim right and I won't have to be shot more than once.
Maybe I won't feel it.
Maybe I'll see Jesus?
I wouldn't have to be hurt again.
Ever again.
No more girls.
Just one problem.
I want a kid first.
How can I have a kid without someone who cares enough to love me for that long?
Maybe a surrogate chick lady person?
She gets paid to have kids, right?
It's a plan
Adventuretime 2.0
3 guesses.
1. H.M.
2. My anger.
3. death.
4. you.
So, we've now come to the conclusion that everyone of those have hurt me.
you hurt me long ago.
death depresses me all the time,
does it hurt? yeah, to breathe.
my anger is the source for so much of my pain.
and finally H.M.
I told you she'd hurt me, didn't I?
You know my standards for dating girls, right?
I have to be able to see myself with them some years down the road?
i.e. I have to be willing to marry them someday?
Yeah. Besides a few (3ish?) exes (that all don't care), she's the only girl I can see myself with. The only one that I THOUGHT cared.
Well, looky me, I was wrong and right at the same time!
Wrong that she cared.
Right that she'd hurt me.
Either way, I win something right?
And lose what I want.
Fuck I'd like to get what I want for once. JUST ONCE.
I put a 6 month limit on her.
I was too generous.
She didn't last more than 1.
Remind me to not like anymore girls ever again.
Starting now.
1. H.M.
2. My anger.
3. death.
4. you.
So, we've now come to the conclusion that everyone of those have hurt me.
you hurt me long ago.
death depresses me all the time,
does it hurt? yeah, to breathe.
my anger is the source for so much of my pain.
and finally H.M.
I told you she'd hurt me, didn't I?
You know my standards for dating girls, right?
I have to be able to see myself with them some years down the road?
i.e. I have to be willing to marry them someday?
Yeah. Besides a few (3ish?) exes (that all don't care), she's the only girl I can see myself with. The only one that I THOUGHT cared.
Well, looky me, I was wrong and right at the same time!
Wrong that she cared.
Right that she'd hurt me.
Either way, I win something right?
And lose what I want.
Fuck I'd like to get what I want for once. JUST ONCE.
I put a 6 month limit on her.
I was too generous.
She didn't last more than 1.
Remind me to not like anymore girls ever again.
Starting now.
Sleep
I'm going to sleep
I hope I don't wake up this time.
I hope there actually is a heaven, and I can get in.
But I'm pretty sure I won't if there is.
I don't doubt in God.
But heaven?
Not so sure
I hope to find out soon enough.
It's better than trying to figure this out.
Trying to apologize time after time for feelings I don't have?
Trying to fix what I've done wrong...
If you're reading this... you can show her.
She doesn't know the depths of my depression.
Let her see the world through confused eyes.
My world.
It's darker than I knew.
I hope I don't wake up this time.
I hope there actually is a heaven, and I can get in.
But I'm pretty sure I won't if there is.
I don't doubt in God.
But heaven?
Not so sure
I hope to find out soon enough.
It's better than trying to figure this out.
Trying to apologize time after time for feelings I don't have?
Trying to fix what I've done wrong...
If you're reading this... you can show her.
She doesn't know the depths of my depression.
Let her see the world through confused eyes.
My world.
It's darker than I knew.
F*ck :'(
I wanna cut,
I wanna cut,
I wanna cut
I wanna fucking cut :'(
Plllleeease don't decide this :'(
I love you :'(
I know that.
I don't "almost" love you,
I really freaking do love you :'(
Please :'(
Ugh I'm fucking retarded.
Why don't I want to live?
This is why.
Every girl changes her mind,
then hates me when I do one stupid thing :'(
Maybe I can end it?
I want to so badly :'(
I wanna cut,
I wanna cut
I wanna fucking cut :'(
Plllleeease don't decide this :'(
I love you :'(
I know that.
I don't "almost" love you,
I really freaking do love you :'(
Please :'(
Ugh I'm fucking retarded.
Why don't I want to live?
This is why.
Every girl changes her mind,
then hates me when I do one stupid thing :'(
Maybe I can end it?
I want to so badly :'(
Friday, February 11, 2011
New
I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was.
Remember when I told you she'd hurt me?
I was right, wasn't I?
Maybe not permanently... but maybe so :/
That possibility of messing up again, before anything even got started tears me to shreds :(
I want her.
I want someone to care :/
And right now it seems that no one sees me that way.
The way I see so many :(
Does anyone love me?
I don't mean like a friend or like a brother or all the other crap I hear.
I mean does anyone out there love me enough to want to be mine?
I know someone's gonna say Barb.
But she's got so many damn issues and can't so no to anything with a penis.
I don't want her.
I know what I want.
But what I want doesn't feel the same :(
What do I do?
Remember when I told you she'd hurt me?
I was right, wasn't I?
Maybe not permanently... but maybe so :/
That possibility of messing up again, before anything even got started tears me to shreds :(
I want her.
I want someone to care :/
And right now it seems that no one sees me that way.
The way I see so many :(
Does anyone love me?
I don't mean like a friend or like a brother or all the other crap I hear.
I mean does anyone out there love me enough to want to be mine?
I know someone's gonna say Barb.
But she's got so many damn issues and can't so no to anything with a penis.
I don't want her.
I know what I want.
But what I want doesn't feel the same :(
What do I do?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Confused.... read the other half of it too
I'm really sorry for beating you up about this :(
It's not my place to know :(
Really, Truly, I am sorry :'(
Don't tell me, okay?
I'm sorry for being so rude to you....
Please forgive me :'(
I wish I treated you better :(
I really wish I didn't try to make you tell me things.
I wish I knew when to f*cking stop :'(
I could still treat you better. like you deserve to be treated.
I shouldn't be that curious.
I can't help it :'(
I can't help this pain I'm feeling being so angry at myself for treating you this way:(
Please get back on and talk to me.... but only if you got off because I was too curious and bothered you... :(
Because I promise not to ask what you're confused about...
I'll wait until you decide to tell me...
If you're still confused..
and if you want to tell me.
You don't have to.
It's not my place to know :(
Really, Truly, I am sorry :'(
Don't tell me, okay?
I'm sorry for being so rude to you....
Please forgive me :'(
I wish I treated you better :(
I really wish I didn't try to make you tell me things.
I wish I knew when to f*cking stop :'(
I could still treat you better. like you deserve to be treated.
I shouldn't be that curious.
I can't help it :'(
I can't help this pain I'm feeling being so angry at myself for treating you this way:(
Please get back on and talk to me.... but only if you got off because I was too curious and bothered you... :(
Because I promise not to ask what you're confused about...
I'll wait until you decide to tell me...
If you're still confused..
and if you want to tell me.
You don't have to.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
You
Mean a lot to me.
A ton really.
Thank you for defending me :/
To me you're not just an ex.
You're the girl I wish for so often.
SO OFTEN to be mine :/
But I can't have you :/
So they learn the name of the next girl, and the next...
and the next.
Because each one I mess up in someway.
But you... I screwed up with you in such a huge way.
I thought I could get you to like me...
I was wrong.
SO wrong.
I wish they'd know who I was talking to, because It'd always be the same girl...
And honestly. any girl, you, HM, "any ex" as you lump them together....
If someone cares about me, they mean more to me than my sister.
Easily.
And you're very different from the rest of my exes.
Remember that.
Last night was the happiest night I've had this week since Tuesday probably.
SO don't think you don't mean a ton to me.
*plllllllb*
I screwed up with you worse because you were the best, and I did the worst thing to you :/
Others have lied, most have hurt, unless I hurt them first.
Others have taken back what they've said.
Some hate me.
But only one mattered enough and was strong enough to make me go as slow as you did.
Only one girl had stopped me like you did.
You.
Are
Unique
<3
A ton really.
Thank you for defending me :/
To me you're not just an ex.
You're the girl I wish for so often.
SO OFTEN to be mine :/
But I can't have you :/
So they learn the name of the next girl, and the next...
and the next.
Because each one I mess up in someway.
But you... I screwed up with you in such a huge way.
I thought I could get you to like me...
I was wrong.
SO wrong.
I wish they'd know who I was talking to, because It'd always be the same girl...
And honestly. any girl, you, HM, "any ex" as you lump them together....
If someone cares about me, they mean more to me than my sister.
Easily.
And you're very different from the rest of my exes.
Remember that.
Last night was the happiest night I've had this week since Tuesday probably.
SO don't think you don't mean a ton to me.
*plllllllb*
I screwed up with you worse because you were the best, and I did the worst thing to you :/
Others have lied, most have hurt, unless I hurt them first.
Others have taken back what they've said.
Some hate me.
But only one mattered enough and was strong enough to make me go as slow as you did.
Only one girl had stopped me like you did.
You.
Are
Unique
<3
Phone
I'm pretty sure I loved last night
When you called me babe, I didn't laugh because I found it funny.
I laughed because enjoyed it.
I thought to myself that maybe you still felt that way about me, you know?
I really hope you didn't hurt yourself last night :/
I called to prevent that.
To let you know how freaking much I care.
How do you miss me?
I wanted to talk about our break up too.
Maybe if the phone hadn't died?
Maybe...
Maybe we could have brought those feelings up.
Maybe I'd move on?
I doubt that one.^
I know how I feel, that remains unchanged.
And I know how you feel.
So it's nice to call, to chat it up.
To let you know I'm here.
I stay with you, helping (or trying) because I love you.
I told you this many times girly.
You slept with my shirt? like wearing in it or just holding it?
How does it still smell like me?
It's been so long....
I'm glad I could help.
The point of your ife is to make mine better :)
Because you do.
You really do.
Because I didn't call anyone else last night.
I tried to talk to HM but she was too busy.
You saved me last night.
I was so down it's not even funny :(
But you helped :)
I'm glad I called.
I haven't laughed that much lately.
*blows raspberry* :)
When you called me babe, I didn't laugh because I found it funny.
I laughed because enjoyed it.
I thought to myself that maybe you still felt that way about me, you know?
I really hope you didn't hurt yourself last night :/
I called to prevent that.
To let you know how freaking much I care.
How do you miss me?
I wanted to talk about our break up too.
Maybe if the phone hadn't died?
Maybe...
Maybe we could have brought those feelings up.
Maybe I'd move on?
I doubt that one.^
I know how I feel, that remains unchanged.
And I know how you feel.
So it's nice to call, to chat it up.
To let you know I'm here.
I stay with you, helping (or trying) because I love you.
I told you this many times girly.
You slept with my shirt? like wearing in it or just holding it?
How does it still smell like me?
It's been so long....
I'm glad I could help.
The point of your ife is to make mine better :)
Because you do.
You really do.
Because I didn't call anyone else last night.
I tried to talk to HM but she was too busy.
You saved me last night.
I was so down it's not even funny :(
But you helped :)
I'm glad I called.
I haven't laughed that much lately.
*blows raspberry* :)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
You okay?
Why would I be disappointed in you?
I'm sorry I didn't get home until 12:01 am :/
I really feel bad for not being there to talk to you :/ let me know if I can help at all? :/
How are you?
I hope you're good.
I want to help :(
Who stays positive?
What is wrong that you can't be?
And just a friend?
Okay.
I'll learn to deal
I'm not sure which of these were even to posts about me.
so ignore them.
I'm sorry I didn't get home until 12:01 am :/
I really feel bad for not being there to talk to you :/ let me know if I can help at all? :/
How are you?
I hope you're good.
I want to help :(
Who stays positive?
What is wrong that you can't be?
And just a friend?
Okay.
I'll learn to deal
I'm not sure which of these were even to posts about me.
so ignore them.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Real
Real.
You told me you don't love me.
That's how you kept it real.
And then you say you do love me, but in a different way?
Now you're confusing me.... :/
You told me you don't love me.
That's how you kept it real.
And then you say you do love me, but in a different way?
Now you're confusing me.... :/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)