Something new.

I haven't written a song since, well, since the last time I posted a song on here. I lack inspiration, I lack the feeling, the emotion, the EVERYTHING I need.
So here's something I do feel inspired to write. maybe it's a rant, maybe it's me throwing up crap. but here it goes.

Untitled CRAP
By: Cody Pryer
You were afraid I'd fall back into my depression?
That just shows you didn't know I never left it.
I needed to talk to you all the time because I knew you'd leave me alone eventually.
I mean, who hasn't, right? I'm on my own.

"You treat me just like a stranger"
you don't even KNOW how much those words fit my life.
I couldn't tell anyone who asks me what my best friend Cory's favorite color is. what he likes in a girl. I wouldn't know his birthday without facebook. wouldn't know his middle name without formspring. I don't know anyone past the superficial level, and sometimes not even that.
Solitary. no one knows that everyday of my life, if I don't have some sound to listen to, I feel a crushing pain in my chest,
I think about hell and death. I think about you. the one before you. the one before her. all my pain comes to the surface.
My only escape is music. not Christian music, as some of my youth leaders and friends have pointed out, but then again, Christian music doesn't help my depression. knowing every word to hollywood undead and a day to remember helps.

My new year's resolution? to break my porn addiction. the same one I have every year. I've lost so much because of porn. and it's tearing me apart. wonder why I hate myself? that's why. wonder why I'm depressed? that started it. people say I've matured. no. I've mellowed out. calmed down because of my depression.
but I don't whine, I don't complain. no. I'm following your advice.

"Be a man and suck it up"

Do you know how much those words hurt? No. because you don't understand that even in the midst of my love, I am depressed.
Even when I got to see you once a week, sometimes twice, it didn't matter. for that time when I was at home with no contact with you, I was crying, listening to music, anything to keep from hurting myself.

I can't commit suicide, do you know how disappointing that is? I can't escape from this depression.
I have to live through it. Do you know why I can't? Because I'm too afraid to die.
Don't be worried about me falling back into depression, trust me. it's not a long drop. I won't even get scratched.
Do you know that I can't stand caring?
Caring about anyone gets me hurt.
you were the exception. and then you proved the rule.
and you won't even see this.
but I see what you write, too late for it to matter.
you care about someone else. I knew it would have happened by now.
I don't care about anyone new. just the same old girls. every one of them has hurt me before you.
your mom told me to get a new girlfriend. really? I'm sorry for actually knowing how I feel.

this is me letting out my pain. because you write all your pain and happiness out, but all I write is about pain. maybe if I write about pain enough, I'll run out and happiness will show up.
maybe. but not likely.

I think when I can drive, I'll just happen to get in an accident.
That'll solve this problem.
you asked what's going on, and I said it's complicated. you asked if I wanted to try you. honestly? I'm afraid to tell you. because you'd realize just how stupid much I care about you. and it wouldn't matter, because you like whatever his name is. probably the guy I'm thinking it is. but it doesn't matter. he'll make you happy like I couldn't. because you don't love me. you said it yourself. but I know you care about him.
if you do happen to see this, I love you. but it won't ever matter. I hope you're happy with whatever guy is important to you. and I meant everything I said when we were together. I still do. forgive me for not being enough. You were enough for me.