Why I don't wanna grow up

I tell people I don't wanna grow up because grown ups die.
That's the minor reason why.
I'm crying just typing this.
My stepdad yelled at me once (well, one of the times he yelled at me)
and while he slapped me, he was telling me how immature I was, and that I was an idiotic asshole and said "No wonder you don't have any friends" and any other name he could think of.
He told me to grow up.
I resolved to be true to who I am and not to change to what he wanted me to be.
I will not grow up.
Not till that bastard dies.
I have friends.
Maybe not many :'(
but the ones I truly hold dear mean a lot to me.
Even if they don't feel the same.
Barbara acts like I don't know how it feels to be rejected.
My whole life was damn close to not happening.
Two Months or so earlier, my mom would not have had another kid.
She found out she was pregnant with me when she went to have her fucking tubes tied.
And if that wasn't enough,
While I was in the womb, a doctor stabbed me in the face with a needle.
I still have the scar.
While my mom was giving birth to me, she had a seizure.
Almost lost me.
I'm a walking miracle.
And what does my sister take it upon herself to remind me all the time?
That I'm the reason my mom is allergic to certain foods.
She could eat them before she had me, and now she can't.
She tells me in these exact words "It's your fault she can't eat bananas or carrots"
Bananas and carrots.
Two of my favorite food flavors.
I'm the reason my mom's allergic to them.
It's my fault.
I'll be lucky to grow up.
Until then, I want to live like I almost didn't get to.
I want to live free.
I want to be myself.
Whatever I am.
And just typing this has caused me enough tears.
SO, I think I'm done.